More About Me

This profession wasn’t something I chose to do, in the beginning. It chose me. And when I tried to avoid it, it almost drove me nuts. I kept insisting, over and over, it was not me because I was not one of “those wacky people”.  But of course, the path was me. That's what much of my journey has been about. And maybe this stuff isn't really all that wacky after all.

I didn't always understand this kind of work. At one time, I viewed energetic and spiritual healing through a very skeptical lens. It was just too crazy for me. Yet ironically, years later when I was struggling with anxiety, depression and physical pain, this type of work was the one thing that did actually work for me. 

I grew up in a professional middle class family, where being smart and following established conventions were the expectations of the day. That’s nothing against my family. I love them just as they are. But it was the way things were. And I come from a pretty brilliant and accomplished family. Among us, we boast about a dozen MDs and a few PhDs as well, with some RNs and engineers thrown in as well. I suspect that my parents’ experience of being immigrants and having seen some nasty things in other parts of the world caused them to trust thinking over feeling.  

In the midst of this, there I was. Not that I wasn't smart. But I was different. Today, I know it is called empathic and intuitive sensitivity. But back then, I didn't understand this part of me or what to do with it. I just knew I would experience things that no one else talked about. I would often know what people were going to say before they said it. In grade school, I would have experiences of feeling tremendous heat flowing through my hands, while I sat in class and tried to focus. I'd sense things around people without knowing how I knew. Or I would hear things in the house that no one else did. Or my body would feel funny feelings that didn’t belong to me.  Now I know these are from the gifts of clairaudience, clairsentience and natural healing abilities. But back, then I didn't understand. I just knew I couldn't discuss these things because it made people uncomfortable. 

Since no one else could relate to what I felt, I often felt lost. I started to shut down. After a while, I questioned whether what I picked up on was even real. Years later, I fell into a "functional" kind of depression. I was still able to do normal activities, but inside, my internal emotional state was flat-lined. I didn't feel any high emotions. but I didn't feel anything super low either. Everything just felt permanently grey all the time. I felt empty. I did not have a sense of why I was on the planet.


I reasoned that life was hard. I thought it was perfectly normal to go through it feeling sad.   

  



During this time, I also suffered from chronic intense pain in my neck and shoulders. I was convinced it was from spending so many years in intense practice on the violin.  Never mind that none of my other musician friends experienced anything like what I was feeling. The pain got so bad that some nights I had trouble sleeping. It was as if my entire upper body, from my neck to my shoulders and down through my arms, was caught in a tight vice that never let up. It hurt for me to move my head a certain way. It hurt to swing my arms at a certain angle. And sometimes it literally hurt to just breathe.

 

I tried pain relievers. I sought out massage therapy. It helped, and the massage therapists did their best. But the pain always came back. It was very frustrating.

 

9/11 came around, which was a huge energetic shock. And on the morning after 9/11, I awoke with a horrible buzzing and ringing in my left ear that would not go away. For someone as sensitive to sound as I was, it was the ultimate insult to injury. It nearly drove me crazy.

 

The ENT surgeon who tested me diagnosed me with tinnitus. IAnd I already knew what he was going to say. 

 

“Get used to it,” he said. “It might be because of stress. Maybe you could seek counseling.”

 

I was incensed. I was in awful physical pain with my neck and shoulders, and now I had a ringing in my head wouldn’t stop. And the doctor is saying there is nothing he can do for me?

 

I tried a stint with a counselor, but it didn’t seem to really reach me. She wanted to talk about cognitive beliefs that I held. But I had no idea how to do that. I tried, but I had no words to articulate what I was feeling inside. She recommended anti-depressants.  I said no. It felt horribly embarrassing and awkward. It all seemed so shameful. Looking back, I know now that it wasn't so much about cognitive beliefs as much as a fundamental shame of existing on the planet. How on earth does anyone talk about that, even if you could find the words?

 

For some reason, I remembered having been given the card of a energy/spiritual healer awhile back. At the time, I blew it off as absolutely craziness. But it is forever interesting to me that I hung on to that card for over 9 months, instead of throwing it away. It was as if part of me knew I needed something I wasn’t consciously aware of.

 

I decided I had nothing to lose. So with great nervousness, I called the healer and set up an appointment. I don’t remember what I said because I did not even know why I was calling to begin with. I felt so awkward but she assured me I was just fine.

 

We started doing some work together. I must say, things started to shift fairly quickly. I was a most difficult client, to be sure. I was extremely skeptical and resistant. Even lying down on the table and trying to relax while she did Reiki was very hard for me. My mind kept racing like an engine. I felt like I had to keep talking, babbling, anything to avoid, well, silence. I had no concept of my mind being remotely connected to my body and spirit. Or even the idea that maybe body was trying to tell me something about my internal state.

 



The more we worked, the more things started to change for me in a deep way I could not describe. I just felt things, moving inside. It was as if something that had been in numb slumber for many years started to wake up.  And physically, my body began to change. The sharp pain in my neck and shoulders lifted. The constant tightness around my chest began to melt away, as my heart began to open. My tinnitus cleared completely, and I realized my clairaudiences had simply been overwhelmed by the global energetic trauma of 9/11. A mysterious swollen gland that had been on my throat, which my physician could not understand, subsided down to normal size.

 

Not only did I feel better physically, but I also noticed I began to relate to people differently. Things started to feel more fulfilling. I took up dancing. The depression was gone. Joy started to come in to my life for the first time, and that was downright disconcerting for someone who was used to feeling somber all the time. 

 

Through the energy work and spiritual mentorship I experienced with this healer, I had a taste of something I had never experienced before, and every part of me craved that new feeling.

  She began encouraging me to do this type of work. "Why do you keep hiding your gift? she asked. She said that I was a natural for it. In fact, she said I needed to do it. 
 

“No, absolutely not!” I snapped. “I get work. I don’t do work.”

 

And yet, once the seeds were planted, they began to take hold. Obviously, something was happening in me on a bigger level that I did not yet recognize.

 

So I began to study, to learn. I wanted to know more. I was so curious. More kept coming in to me. My hands started heating up again like when I was a child. I took a few classes. And I started remembering certain things from my childhood, about how I handled energy. It was more like remembering things than learning anything new. It really was the strangest feeling. I remembered doing things like bending colors of light, sending energy into living beings, seeing the aura fields outside the body, talking to plants. I finally realized that shutting down this important part of myself had probably contributed to my depression to begin with.

 

I still kept most of this activity a secret from other people. I was afraid people would laugh at me. I considered it “just a hobby” while I continued my corporate career.

 

Yet, I started to notice how hard it was for me to act like I didn’t know anything when I was around people in pain. As terrified as I was to be seen for doing this work, it was even harder just to sit there like a baboon and not offer to do anything. So I started offering to help people who needed it. Then more people started showing up who needed help. I would work on them, still terrified the whole time that they’d laugh at me. They would report they felt amazingly better after seeing me, that their physical or emotional stuff would clear up. And then more people showed up.

 

I was fitting these people in my schedule while still juggling a successful corporate career. Eventually, clients started asking me why I didn’t have a website. I recoiled at the very idea of being that exposed. But eventually I got over my fear of being seen and put up a website.

 

I eventually made the decision to do a formal switch, and it has been a wonderful journey that continues to expand. The work continues to grow in ways that always surprise me. Energy healing is not just energy work for the body. It’s also energy work for the heart and spirit. When attention is given to all three, things can often shift faster than focusing on each separately.

Energy work and spiritual inquiry helped me in a way nothing else did. I understand anxiety, depression, trying to find one's purpose in life, and getting through the Dark Night of the Soul because I went through these things myself. I offer what has helped me and so now I share my experiences with others in my work.